cold alone and distanced

I cant even muster the mental thoughts to blog about how I am feeling...

I am hurting, and I am pretty much ignoring the potential truth... again... and im going to be extremely hurt... again... why do I bother trying to wake up in the morning?

So Ive defined how I feel finally...

Despite how fucking nerdy it is.

Ever since my non-blood brother died, Eric, I've been without anyone who will stand up for me to anyone else.
Plenty of people will stand up TO me... but not FOR me. Ive been having to deal with things on my own, and I am not used to being this free and independently thinking of things involving me. I am really good at taking orders and being told what to do. Which is why I am attracted to very dominant women.

But I have felt like what Batman would feel like in Superman's shoes. Batman is used to having a sidekick or two. Batman has Robin at the very least. He didn't always have Robin... but hes got Robin. And now that he has Robin, he wouldn't be able to get along without him.

Now... Superman on the other hand. Has always been the numero uno. He doesn't have a sidekick, and in fact is so awesome, he can lend his power to the Justice League occasionally.

Now, I am like Batman... trying to be Superman. ITS NOT WORKING. I cant take things on independently in the scale that Superman does. I would need Robin to do so.

So yeah... that is my nerdy way of describing how I feel. I don't have anyone pointing my directions anymore... I'm at a crossroads, and I don't know how which way to go so I'm standing still.

Skys Darken

As the clouds roll in, the sun first. And then all light is silenced. Empathy is sorrow. Disturbed by the aura, we seek to change. Though, most of it is out of our control we do so futilely.

We cannot change how the atmosphere is at the moment. We can only weather the storm. Or, if its bad enough. Die in it.

Only one person reads this. And I am afraid that I am not what I once was. I was... getting better. All I yearn for now is to cut deep into my skin, I dont care wether I feel it or not. I just want to watch the blood flow. Like a subtle, river of life. Slowly.... slowly.... flowing to the waterfall.

And... for someone special who will never read this. I love you. I hope I dont end up hurting you.

Thoughts of... now and then.

I am relapsing in the way I feel...

I feel like I am once again lost within my own world, like no one understands, like those whom I care for are ashamed of me. like I have no real friends.

That I am not whole... once again.

I yearn for the blade against my skin... I yearn for the sting of it piercing through, the gentle flow of life seeping out of the etching.

I am scared to trust the words of people I shouldn't doubt... I am bothered by the fact I doubt things I shouldn't. I dont know how to control it. I am worthless, and the nihilistic feelings I have are barring me from knowing what feelings I should embrace and what I should defend against.

Things continue to eat at me... subtle nuances of innocent words mentioned by others send me on a spiral of distrust and self loathe that borders on the uncontrollable. There is another part of me... it has a voice... it speaks of failure... it speaks of futilism... it convinces me it speaks truths. I... feel that it may be right. I am safer believing it because if I am wrong the only one hurt is me.

A long time coming...

A new post what is this shit???

Well, first things first... I am not dead. Two people have thought so now through various 'networking' environments. I am very much alive. I don't know what gave people that impression apparently someone wants me to be dead or hates me enough to spread rumors about something like that without confirmation.

Well, I was with a girl, I tried dating and we just were too different from one another to maintain a relationship, I think we are still friends, but I dont know for sure.

Life spirals
Eyes glisten
No one around
Forgotten loves
Relapsed actions
No time spared

Life spared
Glistened actions
Eyes around
Love relapsed
Forgotten time
No one.

Yay I was bored right there and did something. But aside from that. I have to move, our home is being foreclosed upon. My mother failed at controlling her money and keeping a leash on the wicked leech from the east. So me and gramma have to find another place to live. It wont be a home. It will be a residence. Not a home. This is a home and a residence. We have to give up the home.

I flipped out on sunday. overwhelming panic attack anger hate frustration violence saddness... I punched a hole in my mothers wall.

I get new glasses in about a week.

I just had to fix my computer.

im still depressed a bit.

A person I love will probably read this and feel sad. Names ommitted incase of peering eyes but you know who you are I dont need to speak your name... I simply need to remind you I want to be with you and you will know.

I dont want them to feel sad in fact I feel for them as I did about someone about a year ago. I feel so strongly for this person. I want to make things right by them.

I havent done anything in this lately...

So heres a nice big update to cover through all the holidays.

My birthday... was a birthday. I added 1 to my age and collected various gifts from people.

Christmas was christmas... I felt alone... spent it alone...

I am on the verge of sanity and can taste it but something keeps dragging me back down.

just fucking kill me